Can you see the Red Flags?

How can you tell a good friend from a not-so-good friend?

Whether navigating friendships, classmates, work, family, or romantic relationships, we have to filter the positive, good people in our lives from the bad ones.

Sometimes we look only for people who make us feel good and support us even if we do something reckless. Even though those seem like good friends at first, they might fit better into the category of a flatterer. Conversely, people in our lives who have different opinions and disagree with our choices might at first appear unsupportive, but they likely fit into the category of an accountability partner.

Either way, how do we tell the red flags from the green ones? Sometimes we are color-blind—emotionally or spiritually—and that causes challenges. That is why it is so critical to stay in tune with what the Bible tells us, even if it is only a small bite every day.

In Proverbs 18, we are given a list of characteristics that define a fool, an unkind friend, or someone with "red flags":

• Selfish motives: Verse 1 states, "An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels" (NIV). Do you have a friend whose choices always seem to work out best for them, even if they claim it is good for everyone else? Pay attention to their actions to see if they are truly thinking of others. Look beyond intentions, too—sometimes people can be genuinely convinced they are helping when they aren't.

• Poor listening: Verse 2 notes, "Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions,"and Verse 13 adds, "To answer before listening—that is folly and shame." Do you have a friend who cuts you off? Do they ask open-ended questions about you, or do you find yourself listening more than sharing? Do you feel heard? Do they know what is happening in your life as well as you know what is happening in theirs?

• Deceit and cover-ups: Verse 6 says, "The lips of fools bring them strife, and their mouths invite a beating," while Verse 7 warns, "The mouths of fools are their undoing, and their lips are a snare to their very lives." How often does your friend or partner get caught in a lie? Do recordings contradict what they say? Do they constantly have to talk their way out of things? If your intuition tells you that something is missing or that their words conflict with reality, take note.

While the Bible does not strongly encourage "following your gut or your heart," your gut becomes more aligned with truth when you are in constant study. It acts like a compass locked into true north—God's Truth—helping you sense when something is not quite right.

Finally, Verse 24 warns, "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

The Bible cautions that keeping unreliable people in our lives leads to suffering. We often assume that even if someone is unkind, rude, or dishonest, their heart will be in the right place when it matters most. Movies and books make this tempting to believe, and we want to be the olive branch that "sees the good in them."

However, we cannot execute anything well without practice. We cannot be long-suffering without practicing patience, nor empathetic without practicing kindness and care. If the people in your life are not good stewards in the small moments, they will be unable to perform well in the big ones. As Luke 16:10 reminds us: "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much."

Let me add a disclaimer, confrontation is hard, and it is tempting, if someone in your life, fits into the categories, that you are justified to leave and cleave. And there are probably relationships that do need to be treated like that, but I would wait until you try to have a conversation with this person.

See if they are interested in changing, if they had no idea they behaved that way, they didn't realize how it made you feel. 

Give them an opportunity to try again, especially if you both EQUALLY care about the relationship. 

I would recommend the book BOUNDARIES by Dr. Henry Cloud to continue in this line of thought in engaging with the people you care about in a healthy, loving, biblical way.