Proverbs 4: 26-27 "Give careful thoughts to the paths of your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil" NIV.
Growing up, I was blessed to have what many would call a "good reputation". I had a good family; we had pride behind our name and behaved in a way that society deemed as good quality. We went to church, were involved in the charity functions, my parents did not divorce, and they "raised us right". My father would always remind me of who I was as a member of the family, and that our reputation was important.
I would go to church, and the elderly women would always tell me how talented and blessed I was, and how God was going to use me. I was very used to these compliments. I took them for granted.
I assumed any choice I made would automatically fall under the umbrella of "good". Because I had a "good" reputation. It was not something I felt like I had to maintain. I would always have it, because I had never lived without it.
I allowed this to be an excuse to make poor choices, though in the moment I would not have labeled them as "poor". I allowed it to be justification to avoid checking my choices against truth and God's goodness. I thought I would inherently produce the fruits of the spirit, and it would conveniently line up with what I already wanted to do. Whether that was drinking or cursing, lying, cheating, or anything else, I felt like my intentions covered the difference. I felt like those choices did not define me; it was my good reputation that would pull through.
However, it did not take long from my actions to slip out from under the safety umbrella of my good intentions, and I very quickly reaped what I sowed.
Even if I treated someone with distain, if I was unfriendly or had selfish motives, I figured "they knew my intentions". In fact, I road on my intentions, assuming that's how people saw me.
I went on a trip; it was the first time I got to fully make my own decisions. I had full freedom with anything I wanted to do, no supervision, just me and my desires.
After this trip, I began hearing rumors about myself. I was "the girl who always had a drink in her hand" or somehow the private choices I made with my significant other became public knowledge.
I was ashamed. I fully did those things and made those choices, but in my head, I was still this holy good girl. I thought my reputation was holding me up, I thought it would cover over my actual choices.
Turns out it didn't. My choices were how people saw me, not my intentions or how I viewed myself.
I longed for those elderly church women to tell me I was special. I missed when the elders of our church would say God had plans for me.
I realized my reputation had changed, and not for the better.
From then on, I vowed to make better choices, I wanted a reputation that reflected good things. I wanted a reputation that told the world that I loved God, that I had morals and I truly wanted to produce the fruits of the spirit.
But I had to come to terms with something else. I was not acting in line with what I preached. I was not walking the walk.
I realized it was time to take a true inventory of myself, who I was and why I behaved the way that I did. Why did I want to make those choices? Break those rules?
I battled with the reality that I was not a good person inherently, and I was not going to magically become one on accident.
My choices had to be intentional, and I could not lead with my gut instincts, they weren't homed in on truth and God's goodness.
I realized I wanted to be what those church ladies saw, and I wanted to be a positive reflection on my family. This was one of those initial moments that made me realize that what I thought was true about the Christian life and how we ought to behave culturally and traditionally might not be the full scope of following Christ.
That is what Proverbs 4 talks about. "...Do not turn from the right or the left; keep your foot from evil".
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